Okay team, I have a serious task for you. I am bewildered. I need your advice.
I have a rather fancy party to go to on Saturday. As in, tomorrow. (This is exciting, and also a little ridiculous. My sister, who is also attending, commented yesterday that this is “threatening to turn into as much of a production as the prom,” and she is totally right. I mean, I can’t believe that Jim is insisting on bringing that tramp Jenny, when everyone knows that she’s just going to get falling down drunk and someone is going to end up spending part of the evening holding her hair back.)
Ahem. Anyway, this party is “black tie encouraged,” whatever the hell that means. As best I can tell, this means they would like to make it “black tie,” but realize that many of the people attending are unlikely to own a tux, so are willing to let you in with a nice suit rather than make you hit up After Hours for a rental.
I found this cute dress on super sale and was all psyched to wear it (it is not so blurry in real life):
I own one pair of fancy party shoes. They look like this:
I will alert you to the following key facts:
- This dress is short (but I totally have the legs to pull it off. Love sack dresses- hide bubble gut, show off oddly skinny bird legs! Finally, a style made for me!)
- These shoes are open-toed
- The weather in Chicago currently looks something like this:
- The color of my legs is currently something like this:
- My sister and mother both insist that wearing a short dress without pantyhose to a black tie event is “too casual,” and I will “stick out like a sore thumb.”
- Wearing pantyhose with open-toed shoes is, in my humble opinion a HORRIBLE THING NEVER TO BE DONE EVER EW EW EW.
- I went Payless to try find a cute pair of closed-toed fancy shoes that would enable me to wear pantyhose and came up short.
- Self tanner has long terrified me after a very bad oompa loompa experience with self tanner in high school.
VOTING TIME!
Your options are:
A. Wear the cute new dress and the shoes I already own, say “eff that” to my sisterly/motherly advice on whether I will be too casual, skip the pantyhose and slap some self tanner on those legs to prevent snow blindness in the other party guests who happen to see my legs. (If you choose this option, you should also recommend a good self tanner, if you know one. See item 8, supra.)
B. Wear the cute new dress and spring for new closed-toed shoes so I can wear stockings, accepting the fact that the new shoes will inevitably cost more than $15 because Payless has failed me.
C. Return the cute new dress to the store and instead wear the only long dress I already own, which is several years old, doesn’t fit all that well, and is a decidedly spring-y shade of mint green, but which I can easily wear with open-toed shoes without risk of appearing too casual since my dress would be long, not short, and no one would be scandalized by the sight of bare legs at an almost-black-tie event.
D. Wear the cute new dress with the shoes I already own and with sandalfoot pantyhose, which my mother insists you can “hardly see” with open-toed shoes. (Hint: this is the WRONG ANSWER.)
You can leave your vote in the comments. I will do whatever the majority of you tell me to do. I will take pictures to prove it. I will be forever in your debt.
I vote you ditch both dresses and wear a rabbit fur bikini, like an eskimo hottie. Then you look good in the snow AND there’s no need for panty hose or shoes. Problem solved.
I choose option A. Screw the weather. The party is indoors, right? And I’ve heard good things about Jergens Natural Glow Moisturizer. Supposedly it’s especially good for very pale people because it’s not too crazy obvious. But I haven’t tried it myself.
Oh damn, this is tough.
We’re in our 20′s, so people our age don’t really WEAR pantyhose anymore.
But it’s a fancy party. In the dead of winter.
*bites fingernails*
I’d say: try your damndest to find closed-toe shoes and wear nude hose.
If not. . .then, um, uh. . .I don’t know!!
I say (B). If you have a Target nearby, they have cute closed toed shoes out.
Otherwise, wear a long coat, perhaps wear boots on the way to the party and change into fancy shoes before going inside. If, for no other reason, than to make sure your tootsies stay toasty warm for as long as possible.
I choose A. Go to Sephora. Tell them about your self-tanner needs and fears. They will help you, I promise. I am telling you to go there because they never fail me and because I can’t find my self-tanner that I used all last year..that was AWESOME..and I can’t remember the name! Also…the Jergens Natural Glow is on the “weak” side and meant more for daily extended use to build up a nice even color. You, clearly, have no time for this.
I’m telling you. Sephora. They rock.
Ahem, ahem. I have to weigh in. All of the above answers would be wonderful if there were not a foot of snow on the ground. Here are my answers:
- Wear that adorable short dress!
- You must cover your legs. Everyone else will and you will feel freezing and silly if you don’t.
- However, you must not wear nude pantyhose. Please.
- I have a suggestion to solve this quandary. It is currently very “in” to wear opaque stockings with cocktail dresses. A really dark dark pair of black tights with cool heels would be great. Even InStyle says so, check it out! http://www.instyle.com/instyle/trends/thelook/0,,1543420_1,00.html
So in conclusion, you must a) spring for some new shoes because face it, you’ll wear them again, and b) get some opaque stockings!
Here are the choices I am giving you:
1. Go to Sephora, explain your tanning retardation, and have them suggest one and explain how to use it. Bring your husband. Shave or wax your legs. Have him put on gloves and tan you up. Then, wear boots to the thing, bring a big bag with your open toe shoes, when you get to the thing switch shoes and check bag with coat.
2. Go to DSW or another shoe outlet with tons of choices and buy closed toe black shoes. Then trot to your nearest drugstore and buy black pantyhose to wear with it. Do boots/bag thing again.
3. Get rid of ugly dress that doesn’t fit you well.
A, depending upon your ability to apply self-tanner. That will be the clincher.
BUT dark hose, strangely in style these days.
You do not need to dump a ton of cash on a self-tanner. Personally, I am retarded in the self-tanning category, but have managed to successfully apply $8 coppertone (light/medium) spray tan in the shower on my irish-freckled-skin. (Just don’t drown yourself in it.)
IMO bare leggs are the pits. I always wear Pantyhose they make my legs look much better, and I get lots of comlements from men, and some ladies. As for open toe shoes.. Who say you can’t wear Hose and open toe shoes? I do, and there is nothing wrong with the look. I also see many other females wearing open toe and hose. Just because some GAY fashion designer said it’s taboo does not make it so. Wear what YOU feel YOU look good in, and forget what others think. I’m sure you have 1/2 a fashion sence. Go with your gut. But like I said in the beginning. IMO bare leggs just look bad. Rememeber If you take time to put makeup on your face, why not take 5 more minutes to make up your leggs. Have Fun….
Oh damn, I’m too late to give my advice. But, given I, too, find myself trudging through that awful snow, I would’ve told you to buy a swanky pair of high heeled hooker boots. Then, you don’t have to worry about open toes getting snow-drenched and you’d certainly look like one hot mamma!
I read this too late. I hope you went with Mango Pancakes’ advice – it was good.
Actually, I don’t care whose advice you went with; I just hope you had a goooood time.
Good choice. Very cute!