So it appears that I have inadvertently gone and gotten myself Joan Jett’s haircut, circa 1981.

I went to a new salon, where my adorable and super-fashionable friend Nacho gets her hair cut. That was my first mistake. Nacho is 400% more fashionable than me, so it stands to reason that the place where she gets her haircut would be very, very hip. Sure enough, the lovely girl who cut my hair had her dimples pierced (true story) and an outfit that was the perfect mix of 80s vintage and American Apparel. I was way out of my league, here.

“How can I make you happy?” she asked.

“I’m thinking that for winter I might try turning my side swept bangs into blunt bangs” I said.

“Awesome!” she said. “Do you like layers?”

“Um, yes? Kinda?” I replied. “The last haircut I got ended up looking really feathered and frizzy because the guy got kind of carried away with the layers, and I don’t like that. But yeah, I like layers.”

“Great!” she said.

A few snips later I had blunt bangs. Even while they were still wet and wavy I already liked them. I was mentally patting myself on the back for taking a successful hair risk when she started combing the rest of the hair on my head forward and cutting off rather alarming chunks.

“Um,” I said.

“Oh,” she said “this will just give you super subtle layering in the back. It’s going to look amazing.”

Since she’d already started, I thought “okay! subtle! I can do subtle!”

Then she started cutting all these teeny tiny pieces in the front, adjacent to the bangs, in what looked suspiciously like feathering. And then she got out the razor.

“I’m, um, not into too much razoring,” I noted.

“I’m hardly going to do any,” she said. “Just to give it some movement.” And then, like a weed whacker, her hands started moving so fast that I couldn’t really tell what was happening and then she turned me around and by the time it was all over….Joan Jett.

It’s a cute haircut, actually. I like it. It’s exactly the kind of cut I would see on someone else and think “I wish I could pull that off.” But having a haircut that is 400% more fashionable than you are seems like… a bad idea. I wear a lot of ill-fitting 5-year-old Banana Republic business casual pants, and when I’m not wearing those, I wear jeans and tshirts. My haircut is going to be embarrassed to be seen in my wardrobe.

Seriously, I can tell it’s already mortified by today’s outfit, which features neither leggings nor skinny jeans nor a long ironic boyfriend sweater:

‘

Plus side: shiny hair distracts from oddly mottled and sickly skin tone.

I need to learn this lesson: every time I try to get a dramatic haircut, I end up feeling silly. What I need, I think, is to find a salon where no one is cool, no one is hip, and there is zero chance that I will get caught up in the moment and think that I can pull off something trendy. To be clear: I really liked this salon. They were super friendly, reasonably priced, and clearly know what they are doing. In fact, it’s because they were so good that I managed to convicnce myself that I, too, could pull off a cute fun trendy look. Who do I think I am, someone who pierces my dimples? Come on, self. I clearly need to find a salon populated by 30-somethings who have nice boring swingy haircuts and wear v-neck sweaters. That salon would give me a perfect haircut, I bet. Any suggestions?