pseudostoops

John recently got a pair of chukka boots that he can wear in the winter that go with both work and school outfits- apparently wearing his shiny dress shoes to class made him feel a little silly.  John was not familiar with the term “chukka”, so when he was describing to me what he wanted and I said “oh, like chukkas?” he said “what? What are Chumbawumbas?”

And now he calls them his Chumbawumba boots, and I have that absolutely insanely annoying “Tubthumping” song in my head on a weekly basis.  Thanks, John!

As much as I regret the fact that I have had a mid-90s one-hit wonder earworm for the past three weeks, I actually love these little mishearings that become a part of a family’s personal vernacular.   My sister in particular is famous for these.  When she was little, whenever she wanted to go sledding, she would demand that my mom get out her “snowsnoot,” a word my family uses instead of “snow suit” to this day.  She’s also the queen of the Malapropism- we still tease her about time when, as a preteen whining about some grave injustice that had been done to her, she said “I hate this family! I always get the short end of the shaft!”

There are others: we all call my grandmother “Gummy” because my oldest cousin couldn’t say “grammy” correctly, and when we’re feeling something is particularly unfair, we’ll say that it “bites the baboon” (my sister’s childhood mishearing of “bites the big one.”)

Any good ones in your family?

* From the classic Friends scene:

I realize that I’m writing about television for the second time this week, but this simply could not be ignored:

Tonight on Iron Chef (the Japanese version) the challenger was “Japan’s only chef trained in Mexico,” who runs a Mexican restaurant in Tokyo.

“Well!” said the announcer, “in order to make this a true, mano-a-mano Latin challenge, we shall choose for him to face…Iron Chef Italian!”

Thus began several minutes of commentary talking about how similar Italian and Mexican foods are! How much alike! Because they’re both Latin!

And John and I are sitting on the couch, mouths agape, like “really? Is there perhaps some fundamental misunderstanding of what kind of foods were talking about here?”  It is true that both the Italian and Spanish languages derived from Latin, but…well, so is French. And Romanian.  It just doesn’t seem like “language of origin” is a terrifically precise mechanism for identifying similarity in foods.

Watching an entirely foreign culture address two cuisines that are very familiar to Americans was a hoot.  The trash talk from the Iron Chef Italian was HILARIOUS.  (“That’s tortellini, and tortellini is better than tortilla!”  “Italian food has complexity and nuance, unlike Mexican food!” “Our flags may look similar but Italian food is light years better than Mexican!”)

The commentary of the Japanese commentators/judges as they watched the chefs prepare was even better. “Is he making pasta?” “No, that’s a tortilla, it’s like the Mexican version of pasta, it’s just sort of…there.” “That’s a mole sauce, it’s used pretty much the same way as chicken broth is used in Western cooking.”  “What is THAT?”  “That’s a chili.”  “But it’s so BIG, how on earth could someone use THAT in cooking?”

This from a culture that considers highly poisonous blowfish a delicacy.

John and I have this problem: it’s called Rachel Getting Married, and according to Netflix, it’s been sitting on top of our dvd player since shortly after it was mailed to us on August 21, 2009.  As in: nearly five months ago.  For five months, I have been paying a monthly fee to Netflix for the privilege of having Rachel Getting Married sitting on our shelf, making us look like smart people who watch well-reviewed indie movies.

But we have not been watching indie movies.  No, my friends, we have not.  What we have been watching is a shit ton of Pawn Stars.  If you are not watching this show, you need to start, immediately.  It’s set at a pawn shop in Vegas, run by a family and presided over by “The Old Man,” who wears suspenders without irony and talks like he’s got a mouth full of marbles.  It is the perfect blend of reality show elements: it’s a little bit of Antiques Roadshow, except instead of the Keno twins the goods are appraised by a bunch of foul-mouthed, heavily-tatted dudes.  Antiques Roadshow meets Miami Ink!  Brilliant!

This show is fascinating.  First of all, people want to pawn the WEIRDEST SHIT.  Just today, in the (oh, half-dozen or so) episodes we watched, we saw people bring in a playing card vending machine, an assemblage of hand-cast gold devil heads, and a knights of the round table cheese board.

And weapons- oh my god, who knew so many people had old weapons lying around the house?  Shotguns and military knives and throwing stars, oh my! You know you have watched a lot of Pawn Stars when you see a gun-toting guy walking into the store and you call out “musket! That’s a musket! That’ll be valuable!”  And then your husband looks at you like you are crazytown.  The end.

It’s always interesting to hear why people are pawning or selling their stuff, too.  You see a lot of slimy-looking frat boy types looking to sell something they found in grandma’s attic, just hoping they can get enough money to go out big on Saturday night, and I find myself hoping that their stuff is fake, that it’s not worth anything, if only so I can see the smug smiles wiped off their faces.  But then you see someone who is selling some treasured childhood item to try to get enough money to take his kids on vacation, or the guy who wanted to pawn his big rig truck for a few weeks so he had enough money to pay rent, and it’s hard not to feel kind of sad about the whole business.

One of my personal favorites was the kid who came in with a gun from his grandmother’s garage, which he wanted to sell so he could buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend.  The pawn shop dude is all, “well, we got engagement rings here,” and he said “really?” and then proceeded to TRADE the gun for an engagement ring. I can imagine the proposal now:  “Here, honey, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I’d like to symbolize it with this pre-worn and possibly fake bauble which I selected because according to the pawn shop it is worth about the same as some old gun!  Love you!”

I had something else ready to go for today, but things in Haiti are weighing heavily on my heart and mind, and I think I’ll save it for another time.

Things in Haiti were hard BEFORE the recent earthquake, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around how devastating the situation is there now.  And while I don’t have any easy answers or ready fixes, I’ll say this: I hope that the collective “we” can stretch our heads and hearts and imaginations to find a way to bring some hope and relief to all those affected, be they children or adults, Haitian or American.  And by “relief” I mean potable water. Food.  A way to get the pallets of relief supplies that have already arrived in the country from the tarmac in the Port Au Prince airport to the streets where people are, quite literally, dying for want of the food and water and medical treatment that is sitting there, waiting to be disbursed.

And then, eventually, a way out for those who have that option.

Last week as I was driving to dinner at a friend’s house, the “add fuel” light came on.  I knew, I absolutely KNEW, that I had enough gas left to make it there and wait to fill up on the way home.  And I was running late.  And there was a 7-week-old baby at that house, and that 7-week-old baby butt was not going to pat itself, you know what I’m saying?  And yet: I almost pulled in to every gas station I passed on the way to their house.

Why?

Because when I was 16 I ran out of gas. Once.  Four blocks from my house.  And my parents, who had to drive FOUR WHOLE BLOCKS to bring me a gas can so I could rescue my 1991 Ford Explorer from the middle of Elm Street, have never let me live it down.  I still hear “remember that time you ran out of gas and stranded the car on Elm Street?  Man what a bonehead move hahahahahahaha!” at least twice a year.  FOURTEEN YEARS LATER.

And because I once ran out of gas that one time, I still freak out every time the add fuel light comes on in my car, convinced that I must stop immediately to avoid further cementing my reputation as “the girl who runs out of gas.”

Isn’t it funny, the things that you do that become a part of your family’s history of you?  The things you can never live down?  I swear, I am usually a highly competent person, but a majority of my family’s favorite stories about me involve some catastrophic screwup.

Like the time I backed out of the garage while the garage door was still closed.  That was a good one.  Or the time a friend and I were too lazy to make cookie dough so we bought one of those Pilsbury ready-to-bake giant cookie  things, except I forgot to take off the cellophane before popping it in the oven so our big cookie came out with a shiny plastic outer layer that said “RemoveThisFirstRemoveThisFirstRemoveThisFirst.”

That friend still signs her Christmas cards to me “RemoveThisFirst.”

Please tell me it’s not just me, that all families torture each other in this way.  They do, right?  Or am I the only one whose parents still gleefully remind her of that time when she was 14 and spilled an entire bottle of forest green nail polish on the white carpet?

You know what is an awesome way to start out the new year?  Accidentally posting your end of year review doo-hickey to your old blog and having to repost it to your current one!   I blame jetlag.  (Story of our hellacious trip back from LA to follow! You’re in the edge of your seat!)

*********

I always really enjoy reading these, so I figured this year I’d try writing one out myself.  Via Sundry.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

Ran a 5K and a 10K. Rode a camel. Cut bangs. Hosted a birthday party for myself.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t really do resolutions, typically, but I think it was something about being more fit and drinking less diet coke.  Both kept.  Not making any for this year.  Perhaps I’m unambitious.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several- with more to come in 2010.  It’s a friend baby boom up in here.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, also several.  Closest was one of John’s best friends from high school.  He was 27.

5. What countries did you visit?

Egypt, Croatia, Italy, Canada

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A job without a defined end date.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I’m not great with dates, honestly.  I started my new job on October 12.  John started grad school on August 31.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Becoming a runner.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting a project off the ground at work that I really, really wanted to see happen.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Swine flu, but nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

John’s, for being generally awesome.  A very close friend from childhood, who spent the better part of this year caring for her terminally illmother.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Politicians who have tried to torpedo health care reform without offering a single alternative idea.  Keep it classy, GOP leadership.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, loans, travel, savings.  And food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Training for a half marathon, perversely.  John’s admission to the grad program he really wanted to go to.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

“Say Hey” by Michael Frenti. Not because it was my favorite (although I like it) but because it seems like the kind of song, like “mmmbop” or “Good Riddance” by Green Day that will burn hot and fast and then seem dated in a few years.  See also: “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

Happier, thinner, poorer.  Grad school ain’t cheap, yo. But I did also get a 100% raise (not exaggerating) so that’s nice.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I’d hosted more casual dinner parties.  Also, paradoxically, I wish we’d eaten out at more new restaurants- neighborhood places, not fancy joints.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Moving without the assistance of movers.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At my parents’ house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

More in love, maybe, but no new loves.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Mad Men

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Don’t think so.

24. What was the best book you read?

American Wife

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Let’s be honest: I don’t discover music.  I let others do the discovering and then I follow them in their good taste.  I was awfully fond of Fanfarlo this year.  And the Avett Brothers.

26. What did you want and get?

The chance to travel abroad.

27. What did you want and not get?

Job security.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Not sure I can say definitively which was my favorite, but I just saw Up In The Air yesterday and LOVED it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

John and I went out to dinner and drinks at our favorite bar.  I turned 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

This may sound like a copout, but a lot of my friends had really rough years.  A lot of tragedy, a lot of struggle.  2009 would have been better for me if it had been kinder to those close to me.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

It seems I have somehow come to own a pair of skinny jeans.  I feel lost and disoriented.  Who have I become?

32. What kept you sane?

Work.  (I wasn’t working for 6 weeks, and it was not good for my mental stability.)  John. Running.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Robert Downey Junior.  Real me may have moved on to loving real grown ups, but apparently fantasy me still is drawn to bad boys.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Health care reform.

35. Who did you miss?

My best friend Pookie, who is kicking ass and taking names at her new job in Denver.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

The people we went to Egypt with are pretty awesome.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

When you feel like you can’t do something, you’re often selling yourself short.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I used a song lyric as my senior quote in my high school yearbook.  It ended badly.  Since then I’ve tried to avoid describing my life via song lyrics.