The other day, I met a friend for dinner at a favorite restaurant in the city. It’s a popular place, so we went at 7 o’clock on a weekday- hardly prime time. The restaurant was bustling, but not slammed, in nice contrast to a few Saturdays ago, when I tried to go there with Sara and was told (at 9:30 pm!) that there would be a TWO HOUR wait. Yipes.
My friend and I sat down and were chatting as we looked at the menu, when all of a sudden I felt a hand rest on my back, between my shoulder blades.
I looked up and saw our waiter. “Ladies! Great to see you, I’ll be back in a second to tell you about my favorites.”
You might think from this that my friend and I are regulars at this restaurant, or that we knew this waiter. Nein.
We peruse the cocktail menu. A minute later, there’s a hand resting on my shoulder again.
“Well, what have we decided for drinkies?”
Drinkies?
It continued like this throughout the meal, as he read us the specials “people either love or hate beets but I love them like crazy and the beet salad is just the PERFECT little salad!”) when he brought out our food (“now, this is a rich burger, you might want to cut it in half and save half for lunch tomorrow so you don’t overdo it!”) and when we ordered dessert (“two desserts? My kind of ladies!”) And each and every time he came by the table, he placed his hand on my back or my shoulder. Every time.
Now look, I’ve waited tables. A lot. I know that as a server part of the job is to figure out a way to connect with your tables, make them feel well-served. This can be a challenge- people’s preferences for restaurant service are esoteric. Where one person wants to hear the waiter’s favorites, another person thinks that’s inexcusable- why should what I order have anything to do with what you like, peon? Where one person likes jokey banter with the server, another wants the server to be pretty much invisible so the table is free to conduct conversations undisturbed. It’s a balancing act, I get it.
But when they say that you should “touch your tables” regularly to make sure everything’s going well with the meal, I’m pretty sure they don’t mean that literally. I walked out of there feeling like I’d been on a bad first date.
(Apparently science doesn’t agree with me: this study indicates that people tip better when the server touches them slightly. I can’t be alone in this though, can I? Would you all like your restaurant meal with a side of stranger back rub?)
One of my best friends in college waited tables. When she came home at the end of a shift, she was so gross. Stinking of the restaurant and food and blech. She’d head straight to the shower for good reason. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want her hands all over me, let alone some stranger serving me food. But, that’s just me, the girl who likes her space.
EW. NO. BAD TOUCH.
Look, it’s one thing if a waiter touches my wrist or arm slightly to show me something (“Ladies, here’s the dessert cart.”). But hand on the shoulder or back? WAY WAY WAY over the top.
Yeah, I wouldn’t like that, either. We tend to be a “the server should be invisible so we can talk” kind of family, so that would NOT be cool at all. In fact, I would have been really tempted to say something. Not sure what, of course, but something.
Strangely, my beef is less with him touching and more with his use of the word “drinkies.”
#1 server pet peeve? When they climb in the booth with you. Hello?–you were not invited.
No one touches me. Ever. My husband and daughter are excluded from this rule, of course.
My high school journalism teacher conducted an “experiment” in our class and touched every member of the class at least once (that sounds dirty, but it wasn’t). At the end of the semester, he brought me and another girl to the front to demonstrate the difference between us. He went to put his hands on my shoulders to move me to the side and I turned before he could touch me and walked to were he wanted me to go. The other girl was perfectly fine with him taking her shoulders and moving her. My teacher said, “I touched her (meaning me)once, and never did again.” The funny thing is, I don’t even remember the initial touching.
God, this whole comment sounds so pervy. What I’m trying to say is no touching. I would have visibly flinched and probably removed his hand from me by the second touching if I in your situation. No tip for you, Handsy.
That was a very creepy thing for him to do. He assumed that you don’t mind being touched and it is crossing the line of personal space.
Ugh. There is this martini bar in the burbs that I go to with some old work friends and the bartender does this to me all the time! And only me! And leaves his hand there for like one second too long!
I think if it was once or twice, I would be OK with it. But if it is enough for me to notice and remember? TOO MUCH!
CRIIIIIIINGE! No no no. No drinkies, no touching, DEFINITELY no comments re: not overdoing it. GAH!
blegh! i am not a touchy-feely person; this would have driven me nuts!
no drinkies. no touchies.
I think guy waiters tend to misjudge this kind of thing more than girl waiters. I’ve had guy waiters make inappropriately flirtatious remarks, sit down in the booth NEXT TO ME, etc. ICKERS. Also, I notice guy waiters tend to think they can remember the order without writing it down, when they CAN’T. (Study based on two examples, but STILL.)
Maybe he read that study and is taking it overboard? Also I agree with Swistle, guys do this more.
I would have found out the waiter’s name and called this morning to talk to the manager or owner. I don’t mind when my friends or family touch me, or when my friends kids climb all over me, but a stranger? NO.
It would have made me tip MUCH less. With a note maybe.
The whole time I was thinking about that study, as I had read it too.
I think it’s the combo of EVERYTHING: drinkies, touching, not overdoing it, blah blah blah. It’s a perfect storm of dinner suck.
One of those things alone wouldn’t bother me. But all of them would make me jump up on the table and shout “Okay, that’s ENOUGH!!!”
And you tried to take me there. The nerve
(But I’m still thinking about that dessert…is it worth being served by that guy again, just to have that scrumptious delight? Perhaps.)
I agree with you: total overboard. I’ve waited tables a ton too, and I would not think that touching patrons is acceptable.
Have you ever heard of the study that waiters get tipped more if they only smile 1-2 time throughout the meal? I think the psychology was that if the waiter appeared very serious, the patron took it upon him/herself to loosen the waiter up or “make friends” with the waiter. When rewarded with a smile or two, they tipped more. (Many smiles= less tipping.) Weird???
I have never been *touched* by a waiter but I have had waiters who try so hard to be KNOWLEDGABLE and HELPFUL and they want to tell me how to order PERFECTLY and I want to tell them to shove the homemade basil-olive rolls up their ass and leave me the Hell alone. So yeah. I kind of get where you’re coming from. Although the whole touching thing is just WRONG. And probably not sanitary either.
ok, DEFINITELY weird and slightly icky. although i’m not a personal-space-needing kind of gal, so while i would have thought it was weird, i don’t think i would be grossed out or tipped less or anything. i do wonder if he thinks that normally WORKS, though??
I could handle ONE light tap or something on the shoulder, but multiple hand restings on my back? That is a little groppy.
I would have been pretty damn distracted by what “drinkie” I wanted, however.
This would definitely not have been cool with me. I really get irritated by overly friendly waiters, and I totally get why lots of people would tip more generously the waiter who didn’t smile much. At least you feel like they’re taking their job seriously and not trying to schmooze you!
Frankly, though, I think the term “drinkies” would have made me flinch worse than the back touch. And I HATE back touches.