Internet, I’ve been keeping something from you.
For the past week, I’ve been pretty much convinced that I was dying of some horrible mystery ailment.
It all began last weekend when I got a searing, knife-stabby feeling in my stomach. “Ow,” I thought, and also “oh dear.”
The knife-stabby pain continued for a few minutes, then seemed to abate. Every hour or so, though, it would flare up again. “This is bad,” I thought. “I am almost certainly dying of some horrible mystery ailment.”
So of course I did nothing about it.
The next day, it happened again. In fact, I didn’t even make it to the next day, because the knife-stabby feeling woke me up in the middle of the night. I drank a glass of water that did little to improve the situation and tried to go back to sleep. Mostly, I stared up at the ceiling contemplating my imminent death.
This has continued for several days. I had a good day on Wednesday, with few attacks of the knife-stabby feeling, but yesterday they were back again with a vengeance. Last night, they woke me up at 4 in the morning. As I sat on the floor of the bathroom, whimpering, phone in hand, I contemplated twittering some last words, something for you all to remember me by. Instead I went back to bed.
I told John about all this when he woke up this morning. The knife-stabby feeling, where it hurt, the coming-and-going, the searing pain when it’s there and feeling pretty much fine when it’s not. I was just about to tell him that we should probably schedule me for a CAT scan and start drawing up wills when he interjected:
“Oh, that’s the worst. Heartburn sucks.”
Heartwhaaaaaa?
So. Ahem. It appears that I might have been suffering from the world’s most common gastrointestinal ailment, and I just didn’t know it. In my defense, I have never had heartburn before, so I was clueless! I have done some googling, and apparently heartburn can feel like a searing pain in the dead middle of your abdomen, right below your breastbone. Did you know that? I didn’t! I figured, it being called HEARTburn and all, that it would be up by where the heart is, up in the throat. But no! Apparently it’s really common to feel a knife-stabby feeling in your gut!
So you can all be relieved that I’m not dying. I know you were concerned. I’ll be over at Walgreens, buying some Tums.
I had something like that happen a few years ago (though, not quite as dramatic as yours – it only happened one night for me). I really thought I was going to die when Sweets (the frequent sufferer) informed me it was just a little heartburn. Whaaaaaat? Sigh. Glad to hear you’ll be back on your feet in no time.
Ouch! I’ve never had heartburn before but it sounds AWFUL. I’d have been in that MRI machine right there with you.
I have had heartburn once. I was so freaked out that I called a doctor friend to see if I should go to the ER. I had no effing idea what was happening. It hurts!
Here is to having Tums on hand, just in case.
I once had heartburn so bad that it seriously felt like a heart attack. People go to the ER a lot thinking that and it turns out to be heartburn so don’t feel bad. It’s a rowdy little pistol.
Tums FTW!
Heartburn DOES suck. If Tums doesn’t work (and they don’t for me), get charcoal pills (http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=29130&catid=9321). I know that they sound weird, but my gastro doctor told me about them and they are a lifesaver!
Ouch! Never had heartburn; hope I never do.
When I was little, my mom had to hide this medical diagnosis book we had because I’d always end up freaking out. It was filled with flowcharts that started with, “Do you have a headache?” and ended with, “GET TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW! YOU MAY HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR.”
Good god, woman, you got me all worked up… over heartburn! I’ll go put my get well flowers order on hold
If you havent already discovered Tums Smoothies, in the mint flavor, those are the only ones that dont totally suck and taste like chalk. Yes, I am a Tums connoisseur. It is absurd how many Tums I must consume while pregnant. Never had the knife-stabby variety of heartburn though, yikes!
HA! i’ve done the EXACT SAME THING. and then the dismay! that all your suffering was a) just heartburn! and b) completely preventable/treatable with tums! OH.
I am like the heartburn expert. I used to LAUGH at those people in the commercials – “THEN STOP EATING SPICY FOODS, IDIOTS!”
And then I started to get heartburn. And it is NOTHING like you thought it would feel like. IT SUCKS! And is so painful!
I like Rolaids more than Tums. Also, Pepcid is good too.
Oh, I remember heart burn well (I had it while pregnant) and it does feel like you’re dying. I could have sworn I was having a heart attack the first time I woke up with it.
Having been through the EXACT same thing a couple of weeks ago (I was SURE it was my gallbladder trying to kill me), let me recommend Prilosec or its generic equivalent. Saved my life!
What a great rseocrue this text is.