Oh, you guys.  Do I have a story for you.

(Actually, I should probably say “oh you GIRLS” instead of “oh you guys” because this may be one of those stories where some guys will want to look away.)

Yesterday, I went for my annual lady exam.  It had been almost 18 months since I’d had an annual lady exam, a combination of bad planning and laziness on my part, so I was a little nervous that I was going to get scolded.  I was going to a new doctor, and I wanted to start out on a good foot with her, not with her chiding me for waiting so long between paps.

I got called back to the exam room and a nurse asked me a million questions – no I don’t smoke, yes, I have normal liver function, no I’m not allergic to latex.  Then she tossed me a gown and told me the doctor would be with me shortly.

I have come to the conclusion that I look smaller than I am to some people.  This is generally a fine thing- I certainly don’t MIND if people think I’m a few sizes slimmer than I actually am.  It’s kind of a pain in dressing rooms, when people pretty routinely bring me clothes to try on that are a size I haven’t been since middle school, but you know, no big deal.

Except yesterday, the nurse must have fallen victim to the Myth of the Invisible Yet Actually Quite Sizeable Ass, and tossed me a gown that was LAUGHABLY too small.  The opening was supposed to go to the back and when I put it on, there was not enough fabric to cover my butt while I sat on the table waiting for the doctor.

Not a huge deal, I thought.  After all, doctor is about to go excavating in ladytown, it’s not like she’s never seen a butt before.   So I sat, and I waited.

A few minutes later the doctor came in.  We chatted for a few minutes, and then she told me to scoot down and stirrup up so she could do the pap.

Anyway, doctor told me to scoot, so I started to scoot down to the edge of the exam table when “riiiiiip.”

Oh my god.  My ass has STUCK to the paper on the table.  I tried lifting my butt up to get it unstuck so I could continue scooting.  “Riiiiiiiiiip.”

(Now might be a good time for me to mention that it was 90 degrees and a hundred million percent humidity yesterday.  It was impossible not to be a little sweaty.  And I’d been sitting for about 10 minutes before the doctor came in, bare butt and thighs on the table.  And I don’t like doctors, so I was a little nervous, which was not helping the situation.)

By now the doctor is looking at me curiously, wondering why I have not followed her instructions to scoot and stirrup.

I tried to scoot down a little further, but it was clear I was still stuck.  I reached down to try to reposition the paper and  discovered, to my horror, that huge clumps of the paper lining the table had ripped of and were now stuck to my thighs.  HUGE pieces of paper.  It was like my upper thighs were gift-wrapped.  I reached down to try to pull one off and it shredded in my hands- apparently that stuff is about as strong as toilet paper.

“That’s okay,” the doctor said “everyone sticks a little.  Maybe next time you can ask them to put down a plastic sheet.”

AGH DIE MORTIFICATION.

So for the rest of my exam (and, really, the rest of the day, as the stuff was incredibly, stubbornly sticky) I had tissue paper stuck to my ass and thighs.  Glamorous! Is it any wonder I go 18 months between lady doctor appointments?