pseudostoops

It’s been a busy 24 hours. Yesterday was my last day at my job, and in about 10 minutes we’re leaving for the airport to go to Egypt.  I kind of can’t believe it.

See you in a week.

I used to write for my college newspaper, and there was this joke that the one thing you couldn’t write about was the post office on campus. It sucked, everyone knew it sucked, and writing the 659th article about its suckage pretty much meant you sucked as a writer and couldn’t come up with anything newsworthy.

I recognize that writing about the many small indignities of commuting is the office-drone equivalent of writing about the campus post office, but here I go anyway, because this NEEDS TO BE SAID.

Gentlemen (because it’s always a guy) take note: you are not entitled to spend the duration of your commute in the space in the train you occupy when you first alight.  You are just not.

It is one thing if you are sitting in a seat.  If you get a seat? Fine. Stay there. Sure, I’d like to see you stand up for little old men and pregnant ladies, but if you prefer to be kind of a low-grade jerk and keep reading your magazine while you pretend not to notice the blue haired grandma struggling to keep her balance right in front of you, fine. I will leave you be.

But if you are standing? And if the place you like to stand is leaning broadly against the glass wall right inside the door of the car? And if it is rush hour and dozens of people are getting on at every stop?  MOVE YOUR ASS.  Seriously. You are slowing us down with your stubborn refusal to move further into the car.  Yes, I realize that it is more comfortable to lean in a languid fashion against the glass than it is to hold on for dear life to a greasy metal pole.  AND YET. People should not have to jostle around you, buffeted by your huge ridiculous Timbuktu man bag, to reach the open spaces within.

Perhaps a diagram would be illustrative:

So are we clear? If you are a young, fit, able-bodied dude, there is no excuse for you taking up prime real estate in the el car at the expense of everyone else.  You can pretend that you’re so engrossed in your music or magazine that you don’t even notice the people having to contort themselves like circus tumblers to get around you, but no one is fooled.  You’re annoying, you’re rude, and you’re going to get you an elbow to the face pretty soon if you don’t cut it out.

Thank you, that is all.

I’ve had a bunch of days in a row that are the crazy-making kind – darting from one meeting to another, no time between, always running a little late, scarfing down sandwiches during meetings that aren’t technically lunch meetings because there is no time to eat lunch unless it’s in front of other people in a conference room – those kind of days.

It’s funny, on Monday when I looked at my schedule for the week, I actually felt relieved that it was so crowded.  I thought I’d be enjoying this, after several weeks of long, sparsely-filled days populated mostly by blah administrative work.  I’m leaving this job in a few weeks, and everyone in the office knows it, and as a result I’ve gotten about zero interesting new work, and a fair amount of “hey, can you make sure the commas in these footnotes are placed correctly?” (For those wondering if I’ve gotten canned: no.  I always had an expiration date.  Such is the joy of public interest legal jobs for young lawyers: your funding often runs out after two years.)

Though I fully understand WHY no one in my office is exactly fighting to give me fascinating, challenging assignments right now, I was starting to feel a little annoyed when it became clear that my last two months here (fully 1/12 of my entire time at the company) were going to be spent colating and updating Excel spreadsheets.  I wanted to leave on a high note, do something useful.  I wanted to leave my mark.

It’s a ridiculous thing, I know, that I had any idea that I should be leaving my mark after a scant two years at a company that has existed for longer than I’ve been alive.  But that’s what we’re taught to aspire to, right? Work hard try hard be good do your job well leave your mark.  I suspect this feeling is particularly acute for those of us who have self-selected into lower-paying careers for the sake of “doing something meaningful”.  It doesn’t make me better than you, but it does really heighten one’s sense of “god there better be something to show for this at the end of all this!”

I’m not sure if there will be.

But back to this week: after several weeks of being slower than slow, sudenly things are fast fast rush rush hurry print write this rewrite this rewrite it again please this has to go out today we’re counting on you!  Just what I wanted, right?  Except apparently, during those slow weeks, my brain got on board with the idea that I’m wrapping up.  I guess I made some peace with my imperfect mark-leaving skills.  Without even realizing it, I transitioned into a place where I’m okay with being slow, with tying things up neatly, drafting transition memos, filing things away for the next person.  Suddenly, I find myself longing for the slow days.

Stupid grass is always greener.

Two of our spring semester interns left today, so we had a little get together in the conference room to thank them for their contributions, and have snacks.

The spread:

• Lime flavored tortilla chips
• Cheddar cheese and caramel popcorn, mixed together
• Kalamata olive and dill cheddar cheese
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Red wine (half a bottle; already-open, leftover from our annual dinner a month ago) and pink wine (also already opened; warm), both served in paper cups
• Radishes

I shit you not.  Truly, it was the oddest assortment of foods and drinks I have ever encountered.

As we were all looking at the weird array of foodstuffs, my boss, who is over 70, said “man, that must have been some really good weed I was smoking when I picked out this stuff.”

And then the departing undergrad interns scarfed down some cookies as fast as possible and made a run for the exit.  Thanks for coming, interns! Sorry about the nausea-inducing party food and the inappropriate drug jokes from your boss!  Also: welcome new summer interns! Aren’t you excited for what the next two months will bring?

OY, you guys, the week I had last week.  Just, oy.  The SHORTEST day I worked all week was 15 hours, if that gives you any idea.  And I was working off-site, so I had to drive, and there was much gnashing of teeth as I sat in traffic every morning and evening.  Plus, as an extra-special treat, my car broke down on Wednesday as I was driving home from work at 10pm.  I dragged myself to the shop at 5am on Thursday to get it fixed in time to drive to work, and then on Thursday afternoon, less than 12 hours later,  a kid smashed into it as it sat helplessly in the parking lot of the school where I was working, so now it needs to go get fixed again. It got to the point, honestly, that when the very-essential-to-our-project printer ran out of toner as we were wrapping up at 8pm on Friday night, all I could think to say was “where is my plague of locusts?  I’m ready! Bring it!”

This weekend was spent largely doing things for which there was no time during the week, such as doing laundry so I can have a clean pair of underpants, and shopping for unspoiled milk.

Saturday night we did manage to roust ourselves from the deep divots our asses had formed on the couch to get all dolled up for a charity gig my mom is involved in.  They have an annual gala, and my sister and I usually get invited to help round out a table.  Its fun, and it gives John a rare chance to wear his tux.

True to form, at 3pm on Saturday I found myself wandering in and out of department stores downtown, caught in a futile search for a dress that (a) was not heinous and (b) did not cost $400.  I called my sister to complain about my plight and it turned out she was half a block away, stuck in the same retail hell.  We met up in the hosiery section of Macy’s (she needed some shapewear, a category which would probably help me immensely but of which I am inexplicably afraid) and both decided that we’d just give up the hunt and wear something we already had.  In my case, that meant a very blah, but totally acceptable, black knee-length dress.

I showed up at the event, got a cocktail, and went to say hi to my mom.
“Oh, you girls are so adorable!” she said.
“Huh?” I said.
“You and your sister! Are dressed alike!”

(pause)

“Not on purpose!”

Sure enough, when my sister walked over a few minutes later, we were wearing the same damned dress.  People kept commenting on it, assuming that we’d planned it.  One woman remarked how much she loves it when siblings dress alike.  I like it, too – when they’re FOUR.  Not so much when they’re 28 and 30.  Then it’s just weird.

So that is how I got to spend my Saturday evening sitting at a table at a gala with my sister, dressed as some cocktail attire version of the Doublement twins.

Those of you who don’t work in the legal field may not be familiar with AboveTheLaw, a law gossip website. (I know! Dorkitude at its finest! I also read a Supreme Court watch blog!  I am too cool for words!)

Anyway, ATL used to be largely a place where lawyer-on-lawyer weddings were reported, and where law firm sex scandals first broke, or where you could hear the best stories about summer associates getting wasted and doing stupid things.   These days, though, ATL is widely-read by people looking for news of the latest round of lawyer layoffs. While there are doubtless many people who take some pleasure in watching pompous BigLaw associates tumble, I derive no joy from this news.  These are my friends (some of them), and losing your job sucks no matter what your industry.

But it’s not just layoffs.  Many firms are delaying start dates for their incoming class of associates, and this has led to some interesting new developments.  As this story and others explain, many firms are offering their incoming associates substantial sums of money – $5000 a month from some firms, others $75,000 a year – to go work for a non-profit. It’s not quite the $160,000 they’d have made as first year BigLaw associates, but it’s nothing to scoff at.

On the one hand, I think this is great.  Non-profit legal agencies are chronically underfunded, and in times like these the need for their services is even greater.  Programs like this essentially give these agencies much-needed help for free.  Win-win.

On the other hand, and I don’t want to be a total grouch about this, I feel a little miffed.  Getting a non-profit legal job out of law school in ordinary times is hard, often way harder than getting a firm job.  In tough economic times its even harder.  I worked my ass off to get my job, and I know several excellent public service-minded lawyers who struggled even harder than I did in the job market.  It’s hard not to feel a little grumpy that these BigLaw associates, some of whom initially turned up their noses at doing poverty work, are now getting paid (literally) twice as much as I am to do it while they wait for their firm position to open up.

But that’s not the point of this post.  The point of this post is to provide a very few quick tips for any laid-off or deferred law firm associate types who may suddenly find themselves on the public interest job market.  I’ve seen a couple of these resumes already, I will doubtless see more, and I can already identify some mistakes that I’ve seen multiple people make.

Pseudo’s hot tips for lawyers who suddenly find themselves on the non-profit job market:

1. You should probably be able to say why you want to work here beyond “my firm is paying me if I can find some non-profit work.”  We like free labor, we do, but we’d like to see some indication that you are actually at least kinda sorta interested in the work we do.  You don’t need to have lots of experience in public interest (though that’s a huge plus), but you do need to show that you’re interested in learning and doing a good job with the kind of work we do.  If you aren’t, it’s not really worth it for us to bring you on board, free or not.

2. Don’t tell us the name of the fancypants designer who made your suit.  And probably leave the Tiffany cufflinks at home.

3.   Actually, there is no 3.

Really, that’s it!  Seriously!  Not many tips, but you’d be amazed how many people blow it on #1. Please think about the story you want to tell us before you send us your stuff!  Find a way to explain how the corporate for-profit work you’ve done has given you skills that will help us and our clients.  Please don’t just assume that we’ll be grateful to have such a stellar former BigLaw candidate as yourself offering to help out.  Non-profits are often small, people skills matter, and we want to believe you’re not going to be a total pain in the ass to work with.

Good luck out there.

This week is off to an auspicious start after a truly hellacious morning commute.

It was not hellacious in the usual way, however, which involves ill-timed trains and long-stalled red line rides.  No, today’s commute was unpleasant because of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, drag queen.

(That’s not what you were expecting, was it?  Me neither!)

For me, the first rule of morning commute is: you do not talk during  morning commute.  Most people respect this.  It is early, many of us are pre-coffee, and it’s just not nice to subject your fellow office drones to your cell phone calls or other chatter before 9am.  On the evening commute I’m a little more forgiving, but mornings are for silence and ipods.  Maybe magazines.

So the first bad sign was when I got on the train and there was a huge amount of noise- commotion, laughter, shouting, etc.- coming from the middle of the car.  I put on my ipod and hoped it would die down.

It didn’t.   I stole a glance in that direction and saw a huge, wild-eyed, still dressed up from Saturday night drag queen, sitting with a similarly-shouty friend.  They seemed to be enjoying the spectacle they were causing- the uncomfortable glances from the business-casual-clad crowd, the nervous shifting in seats from the people sitting around them.  “Whatever,” I thought.  “Annoying, but whatever.” I turned my ipod up a little.

Then, the noise got even louder, and when I glanced over again, things had taken a turn: drag queen was now standing up and leaning over to shout in the face of another passenger.  She was making fun of this poor woman’s hair, her makup, her professional dress.  She kept yelling and mocking and laughing, her face about an inch from the other passenger’s, as everyone sitting nearby looked around nervously.  It got worse and worse, the queen cursing and leaning in ever closer, making fun of this woman, baiting her, trying to get her to fight back.

And I was sitting way across the train car, but I briefly thought about intervening, yelling out “hey, knock it off” or something, ANYTHING, to divert the queen’s attention away from this poor woman.  But I didn’t.

It got me thinking, as these situations always do.  I know, there are lots of reasons not to intervene when presented with these sorts of circumstances: unpredictable people do unpredictable things, and you don’t want them turning their unpredictability toward you.  I get that.  But I also think that most of the time, people engaging in this sort of behavior are getting a cheap thrill out of lording power over some innocent bystander, but are really cowards underneath.  Many times, it seems, having someone call them out and tell them to stop is enough to get them to, you know, stop.

But no one did, and I got off the train before I saw the situation improve any, and now my morning is a little bit soured and I’m left wondering if I should have said something.

I have, in the past, inserted myself into situations like this, particularly when it’s kids/teenagers misbehaving.  (It must be the former teacher in me.  I should note: my friends and family do not love it when I do this, but sometimes it seems I cannot help myself.)  Other times, though, I keep my mouth shut.   I know that, realistically, I was sitting too far away to really do anything this morning, but I could have moved in their direction…  But maybe woman getting the haranguing, who was doing an admirable job of just ignoring it, wouldn’t even have wanted anyone to say anything, for fear it might have escalated things?

Sigh.  There are no good answers in situations like this, are there?  What about you?  Do you get involved when you see stuff like this?  Look studiously the other way?  Does it depend on the situation?

When one is wearing a long-sleeved dress shirt, tucked into pants or a skirt, how does one prevent it from puffing out all weird and creating the impression of a serious beer gut when one sits down?  And how does one avoid having to constantly having to readjust/shove it back down into one’s waistband?  Because I think the whole stand up shove shove shove adjust adjust adjust routine I’ve got going on over here is compromising my efforts to appear professional in meetings.

(No, seriously, how? I need tips! I feel like I have failed some sort of “Professional Attire 101″ course over here.)

You know the worst thing about having to work on President’s Day? It’s that no one else has to work, and thus treats Sunday evening like it’s Saturday, even going so far as to throw a karaoke party. A KARAOKE PARTY. Awesome! Thanks, neighbors! I mean, after all, who doesn’t love tossing and turning, trying fall asleep to the dulcet sounds of “You know it’s truuuuuue, everything I dooooo, I do it for yoooooou” coming through the ceiling from the apartment above us for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS?

Seriously, it’s in my head still. I have a Bryan Adams earworm. Someone please send help.

While I keep reading of other offices that are easing gently towards Thanksgiving, and people who are already on planes to go visit far-flung family, my work has decided to schedule a huge! very important! requiring a tremendous amount of preparation! meeting for….tomorrow.  Wednesday.  The day before Thanksgiving.  Swell.

So people in my office are running around like crazy, everyone scrambling to finish projects, (or at least finish them enough that they can report at the meeting without looking like a total doofus).

I am no exception, since I have no fewer than FOUR things about which I am expected to present tomorrow.  (Upside of being a staff attorney: you get to work on lots of different projects with lots of different people.  Downside of being a staff attorney: you get to work on lots of different projects with lots of different people and are expected to be the one to write up all the summarizing documents and present out at big meetings.)

So it’s a leeeetle hectic around here right now,  and that’s unfortunately distracting me from my favorite thing to do in the week before Thanksgiving: plan menus.

See, my family are amazing, lovely, wonderful people, but we have some dietary restrictions.  Sister can’t eat gluten.  Father can’t really eat much salt or fat.  Mother (god love her) appears to not like flavor, and prefers all foods to tend towards the bland.

Since my parents live close by, tradition dictates that we eat at their place, which means my bland mom has control over the menu.  For her Thanksgiving, I try to plan at least two things that I can bring that I will love to eat but will be consumed by people other than me.  (Seems kinda rude to bring something that only you can/will eat.)  This year I’ll be doing roast asparagus and an apple-cranberry crumble with gluten-free topping.  Not bad.

But I dream about hosting my own Thanksgiving, where I am in charge of the menu, and can make whatever wackadoodle version of Thanksgiving classics I want.  This year, the menu would be:

Appetizers:

• Spinach artichoke dip with homemade pita chips
• Pomegranate salsa and tortilla chips (if you are looking for a delicious, different winter appetizer for Thanksgiving or holiday parties, email me.  Seriously.  This salsa is AMAZING.)
• Crostini with brie, honey, and pears
• Champagne Cocktails

Main:

• Adobo Turkey with Red Chili Gravy
• Stuffing made with actual onions and actual butter (this is the saddest one for me about our Thanksgiving- stuffing without onions and butter is a travesty.)

Sides:

• Mashed sweet potatoes
• Cranberry sauce with pear and fresh ginger
• Brussels Sprouts Gratin
• Popovers and homemade crusty wheat rolls (I like contrast.)

Desserts:

• Pumpkin Bourbon Cheesecake
• Crumb topped Apple Pie
• Cranberry Almond and Caramel Tart

What about you all?  What are your favorites?  Any dishes you’re dying to try when you finally get control of Thanksgiving?  (Or is that just me?)